Ok, so, I know him. An understatement if ever there was one. We were married for many more years than I liked. It ended over 8 years ago, when I realized that drinking was the number one thing he cared about. And that would never change, never.
Drinking, by the way, is what is causing his death. He has totally destroyed his liver, one beer at a time. Myself, I believe he still would not put down a beer, if it was offered to him. I remember that he would take several unopened beers to bed, just in case he became thirsty during the night. Or for when he got up in the morning. He drank at least one before getting up for the day. He received more than one DUI while driving a commercial vehicle. It didnt matter to him, if he was ruining his life, and the lives of those around him.
He is in a nursing home now. At 44. His liver is shot, and he is on a morphine drip. There are no extra measures to prolong his life. This was his decision, as well as his families. His sister-in-law tells me his skin in now the color of mango flesh. The Dr`s say they dont understand how he can still be alive. They claim at any time, he will be gone.
So, I have no real feelings about him dying. I feel bad for his family. His Mother, that he doesnt even recognize any longer. She sits with him twice a day. He sleeps almost constantly, from the morphine. And hasnt eaten solid food in weeks. I hope, for his Mom, that it doesnt continue much longer. But, as for myself, I find that I am feeling bad, because I DONT feel bad about the entire thing.
What kind of a person doesnt feel bad, when someone they know is sufferring, and is dying? I feel like I should. I feel like I should be sad, like some part of me should be devastated. Im not. I really dont care, What kind of person does that make me???
2 comments:
you don't have to feel bad for people's suffering when they did it to themselves. It would be one thing if he had a rare form of cancer that had nothing to do with his choices, but this is quite another thing altogether. If you know you can change your life, and you have the means and ability to and then chose NOT to, then you have no one to blame but yourself and no one should feel bad for you. They can pity you, but pity is also another thing entirely. Kind of like you and I already planning mom's end. We don't feel bad for her, because she's made her choices. We are just accepting them for what they are and making hte best of the time we have with her now.
True, I was going to have some literature sent to her too, about the lifegems. Just so she knows what it really is, what happens.
I just feel like i should be sad, and missing him. And I dont. Honestly, i have no feelings at all about it. Sad for his Mom, otherwise.. meh...
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