To spay, or to spay (there really isnt a choice)

This last week we had the Tiny Mao spayed. I felt so horribly awful taking her to the vet. She yowled all of the way... It was awful.

When I picked her up, 5 hours later, she was still so doped up, she just bobbed her head from side to side.. not making a noise... barely able to hold her fuzzy head up.. Still, feeling bad.

Got the darling home, and she crawled out of the kitty carrier. Her back legs? not working very well :(. She was so pitiful. She tried to get to Gary, but he went and scouped her, and snuggled her in his lap, after wrapping her up in her blanket. SHe took turns, sleeping on our laps all night. Then slept with us in our bed.

The next morning? It was almost like nothing happened. She seems a bit tender, duh! But is jumping and moving like nothing happened. I am supposed to take her back in 8 more days to get the stitches removed. I think we may attempt that project on our own..

There was no question to have her spayed though. She did come in heat once. It was bad. She spent hours talking to the walls, the ceiling, the kitty condo. She tried to make time with the other kitties, all whom are fixed. They would have none of her tomfoolery. They just swatted her , held her down, and cleaned her head. (that is their solution to any discipline issues regarding Mao) She has a very clean head.

If everyone would take the time, and spend the money (its so worth it) to have their pet spayed or neutered, there would not be such a huge amount of unwanted pets. I would adopt more, if we had the space.

I wish I was that resilient....

ugh.... and ugh some more..

Every Wednesday, on the way to work, I call my Mother. I try to call on Saturdays too, but I dont always get it done.

Tonight, when she answered, she sounded "off". I asked what was wrong, and she told me that someone had just come to her door. Normally, unless Morgan sends missionaries, she doesnt seem upset by that.

Apparently, this guy she knows, Jay, just showed up. Mom informs me that he had called her earlier that day, asking if he could borrow money. She told him she didn`t have any extra to lend. (she always gives out money to everyone that asks) And that he just showed up at her house, and asked if it would be alright if he charged his phone. (?????) Mom tells me he is in his truck, just sitting in the drivers seat.

I get a bit of history about him from her, as this situation is making my skin crawl; He is a young guy. Does odd jobs for people. Hard worker. Has borrowed from her in the past, many times. Has only paid her back once. Lives no where near her-she lives 12 miles form town, so it is not like he was in the neighborhood. Said he is nice. Says "sorry sorry sorry" a lot, she thinks he may have been abused as a kid. He told her he needs the money really bad for gas. And its his birthday, and its going very bad.

He comes back in when I am still on the phone with her. And asks if he can just borrow $20 from her. I hear her tell him that she spent all of her money last night, but that she will roll him $20 in quarters, but thats all..... Then mentions that she is on the phone with her daughter. He got out fast when she said that.

Mom has a heart as big as the outdoors. I have seen her lend money to people, when it left her unable to pay her bills, or do what she wanted to do. She always says they must need it more than she does. She told me not long ago, that she doesnt keep track, because she figures that when someone borrows it, she will never get it back. Ugh.

This Jay person, whomever he is, sounded like one hell of a manipulator to me. When she was telling me that he was just sitting in the drivers seat of his truck, I think he was trying to figure out how to manipulate her, or intimidate her into giving him money....

I think I need to make another trip there.. unannounced, and soon..... I dont like anyone treating my Mom that way.

2 hours to go.....

Yay for the weekend! Not that they dont happen every week, but I am looking forward to this one! The thought of yard work is actually exciting!! I think its mostly the warm weather, the getting outside, when it isnt freezing cold, with 90 mph sub zero winds (i might have blown that a tad out of proportion, maybe). Im looking forward to planting seeds, watching them grow into food-peas, corn, potatoes that Mom made us bring home....., cabbage, cukes... And flowers. They provide me with much happiness, and smell wonderful!

2 hours to go. Then 4 nights off!! Whoo Hoo!!!!

Guilt over not having guilt?

Im not quite certain exactly why I am having this feeling of guilt..... I have given it a lot of thought, and I have come to the conclusion, that it can only be from a lack of guilt over someone I know, dying. Not only that, dying a slow, and painfully drawn out death.

Ok, so, I know him. An understatement if ever there was one. We were married for many more years than I liked. It ended over 8 years ago, when I realized that drinking was the number one thing he cared about. And that would never change, never.

Drinking, by the way, is what is causing his death. He has totally destroyed his liver, one beer at a time. Myself, I believe he still would not put down a beer, if it was offered to him. I remember that he would take several unopened beers to bed, just in case he became thirsty during the night. Or for when he got up in the morning. He drank at least one before getting up for the day. He received more than one DUI while driving a commercial vehicle. It didnt matter to him, if he was ruining his life, and the lives of those around him.

He is in a nursing home now. At 44. His liver is shot, and he is on a morphine drip. There are no extra measures to prolong his life. This was his decision, as well as his families. His sister-in-law tells me his skin in now the color of mango flesh. The Dr`s say they dont understand how he can still be alive. They claim at any time, he will be gone.

So, I have no real feelings about him dying. I feel bad for his family. His Mother, that he doesnt even recognize any longer. She sits with him twice a day. He sleeps almost constantly, from the morphine. And hasnt eaten solid food in weeks. I hope, for his Mom, that it doesnt continue much longer. But, as for myself, I find that I am feeling bad, because I DONT feel bad about the entire thing.

What kind of a person doesnt feel bad, when someone they know is sufferring, and is dying? I feel like I should. I feel like I should be sad, like some part of me should be devastated. Im not. I really dont care, What kind of person does that make me???