Vacation, only a day (plus some) away.....

Gah... On Saturday, tomorrow morning, we officially start our vacation. Fishing, boating on the river. I cant wait. Cant wait to sit and listen to the water rushing by. For the birds, singing their various songs in the trees. Watching the swirls in the water, as it goes by the side of the boat. Plus, fish! So, yay! Maybe fish. Not a ton of fish up this far yet, but a few. There is a slight chance we will actually catch a few, but, I am not going to hold my breath.

Mostly though, I need the time away from work. I am feeling myself getting hostile. I do not like the way that feels. My brain runs constantly. No pattern, or reason, mostly random thoughts. I feel frustrated by things happening here at work, that I cant do anything about, and I know, from years of experience, that they are being handled in the worst possible ways. Or even worse, not at all. I want to grab people, shake them, and say "wtf is WRONG with you?". That does not seem like it would be the correct answer to the problems. Crap.

I have tons to do still. All of the things that need done at the last minute. And I am out of energy, and ambition. Its taking all of my concentration to get through the time at work..

I dont think 10 days will be enough......

Morbid? Do you really think?

I have had the "when I die" conversations over and over again with my Mother. She says "cremate me, throw my ashes off of the porch". Since I am not exactly known for being politically correct (bwahahaha!!), and, I read things like Oddee, I said to her "We arent throwing them off of the porch, we are making Diamonds!" (see how I even capitalized it? for the impact, you know).

See? pretty...

Yes, friends, I am making my Mother into pretty blue Diamonds. It was a joke. A "take that Mom" joke. She rolled her eyes at me. She doe

s that a lot. Anyway, I had discovered Lifegems on Oddee.com. It was an article about all of the odd alternatives to a conventional burying. Which has told me she absolutely refuses. So, in jest, after showing this idea to my sister, we showed Mom. She was fine with it. Completely fine.

My sister put some thought into this idea. She said she thinks it is a good idea, and will be a comfort, after Mom is gone, to have her with us always. Hmmm.. interesting, I need to ponder on this awhile.......

Okay, I see where she is coming from, and, I think I agree. I am pretty sure I feel the same way. Yes, its expensive, but its forever. And that part, that, is a comforting thought.

Thoughts running through my poor brain.....

Sitting here, the entire house is quiet, for the moment, and I am alone with my thought(s). Random thoughts are running through my brain.

Did I get any sleep today? I dont feel like I did. If I have to pretend I want to be here for one more hour, I am going to cut my tongue out with a spoon. Will Mao be okay while we are on vacation? Will the weather be good? Is there any chance we might accidentally catch a big dogtooth while fishing? I want another shower. I miss my Mom. How can Gary sleep on these uncomfortable as hell couches? I have the munchies, but didnt bring anything good. I cant wait to go to bed when i get home. What will happen tomorrow? Why didnt i get chocolate? Sometimes, I wish I drank. I miss my Dad. A lot. I feel emotional, and I hate that feeling. Will it snow a lot this winter? I love it when it snows.. I love christmas trees, the way they smell, look, feel. I love watching the flickering light of a fire... Sigh..... I hate the people that live next door to us... I do not want to bring in firewood, the shed is full right now, why cant it stay that way? I need to prune the apple trees... and the plum tree.... oh yeah, I hate the next door people. We had deer in the yard the other morning. They ate a new tree to the ground.... damn deer.... If I had three wishes........ I have no clue what i would wish for...... I cannot wait to be in the boat, watching the river flow by....

I need a brake for my brain....

Pulling a The David Cook for the Safe Haven Rescue Zoo

In the last week, Aunt Becky has once again shown her brilliance to all of those who worship her! (see, I am sucking up here!) After the Pranksters Pulled A John C. Mayer all over the internet, Aunt Becky has decided that power should be harnessed for the good. Well, for this week anyway.

This round, is dedicated to pulling The David Cook, for charity. I am all for that! Did I mention that she is brilliant? I have to admit, I had no idea who The David Cook even is! I think I am about the only person in the history of the world, that does not watch American Idol! All I can say is, I think that David Cook might want to brush his damn hair, as he looks like an idiot... Ok, that is only MY opinion. However, I will overlook the hair, in light of I hear he is big on giving to charity, so he cant be all bad..

I have decided to make my charity of choice Safe Haven Rescue Zoo.

Founded in 2000 in Il, Safe Haven Rescue Zoos mission was to serve the needs of wildlife displaced by habitat loss due to urbanization. Safe Haven Rescue Zoo also provides wildlife rescue, veterinary care, direct contact for emergency care, referrals to other facilities, and community support and education. Safe Haven Rescue Zoo cared for approximately 40 animals the first year, and by 2006 Safe Haven Rescue Zoo was caring for several hundred injured and orphaned animals every year. Safe Haven Rescue Zoo quickly outgrew the space they had, and have moved to 160 acres in Imlay, Nevada. The Safe Haven Rescue Zoo facility does not participate in any way with breeding, buying, selling, trading any of the animals in their care. Safe Haven Rescue Zoo does not hire them out to be gawked at.

I picked Safe Haven Rescue Zoo, because they are a truly deserving charity. Being in Imlay, a short drive from Winnemucca, my family has actually been there, and they tell me that Safe Haven Rescue Zoo really needs the assistance. Thankfully, the surrounding communities are willing to help sponsor Safe Haven Rescue Zoo.

Safe Haven Rescue Zoo is giving refuge, and safety, and security to animals that dearly need it. When I was researching Safe Haven Rescue, I found several news articles about Safe Haven Rescue.

Safe Haven Rescue Zoo gives guidelines for finding wild animals. A basic guide that will hopefully assist people in not trying to take wild animals and turn them into pets. They are not meant to be pets. It all comes down to contacting a wildlife rehabilitator, or wildlife vet. Not trying to take an animal from the wild, when Mom might be waiting for you to leave.

Safe Haven Rescue Zoo provides a permanent home for animals that cannot be re-released back into the wild, due to injuries, or having been confiscated as illegal pets. In residence right now, Safe Haven Rescue Zoo has a pair of cougars, three foxes ( which are available for sponsorship), a pair of bobcats, and the beautiful Siberian Tigers.

Currently, Safe Haven Rescue Zoo is working on a new expansion project, building a tiger enclosure. It will house a Siberian tiger, named Timber, that was rescued from a private facility in Washington. Safe Haven Rescue Zoo also has a female Siberian Tiger in residence, Choi-Hu, that was rescued from the same facility. They have one other tiger in residence, you can see him here.

I have found a way that makes it so very easy to give to such a deserving charity as Safe Haven Rescue. There is a search engine, that donates every time that you use it, and have it designated to give to Safe Haven Rescue Zoo.

Safe Haven Rescue Zoo makes sponsoring an animal very easy. It does not require Paypal to use. It would make a wonderful Christmas, or Birthday gift, for a friend or family member that loves animals.

These animals were never meant to be pets, or road side attractions. They were meant to be wild. To live their lives as nature saw fit. Until a human intervened. Took them, and tried to put them in a role they were not meant to be in, and unable to thrive in. I am grateful to the people at Safe Haven Rescue that are giving these animals a permanent place to live. Grateful that the people at Safe Haven Rescue Zoo care enough to make sure that they have as good of a life as they can possible give them. Not just spending their lives, watching through wire, laying in the dirt. Making sure that they are safe, well cared for, and healthy.

You can find out more about Safe Haven Rescue Zoo, on the Safe Haven Rescue web site, or for a quick look, the Safe Haven Rescue Zoo Facebook page. Or you can take a quick peek here, and see the animals.

If you live in the area, Safe Haven Rescue Zoo is always in need of volunteers. Currently, Safe Haven Rescue Zoo is looking for 2 wildlife interns, the information for that, is here. Or if you want to help in monetary ways, you can look here. Or, you can give them a call! If I was still in Winnemucca, I would be there every weekend!

Happy John C. Mayer to James W. Marsters! (This makes 3!!)

I want him for Christmas!

Once again, I am John C. Mayer-ing James W. Marsters. Only because my last blog about James W. Marsters fell off of the front page of the Google blog page for James W. Marsters. I made it to the #2 spot on blogs about James W. Marsters. So, in keeping up with the John C. Mayer-ing of the interwebz, I find myself once again in the midst of John C.Mayer-ing James W. Marsters.

For anyone who might have to this show a bit late, Aunt Becky, over at mommywantsvodka.com put out to her Merry Band of Pranksters to prank the SEO`s at Google, and every other internet search engine. I must admit, John C. Mayer-ing the internet has been oodles of fun, and I keep thinking up new people to John C. Mayer other than James W. Marsters, because they really deserve it! But for now;

He could play for me anytime!!

James W. Marsters... its time, again, for you to be John C. Mayer-ed!!

I have learned many things about James W. Marsters in the last week. I have been a fan on James W. Marsters Facebook, well, for a long time. I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer every night at work, cause, well, I work graveyards at an assisted living center for mentally ill people, and.... I need my own outlet.

James W. Marsters has been my secret love. James W. Marsters just doesnt know it, or James W. Marsters wouldnt have gotten himself married, without me! GAK!!

James W. Marsters has been working on other tv projects since Buffy. Honestly, I dont care. To me, James W. Marsters will always be Spike. The Big Bad. *sigh* I even found a website trying to keep James W. Marsters, as Spike, going strong. I think I might need a life.

I discover that you can even buy this autographed bear, on Ebay, that James W. Marsters autographed, and James W. Marsters even kissed it. You can find James W. Marsters info here. Just in case you are interested in things that James W. Marsters is working on. Or, wallpaper for your computer of James W. Marsters right here. Lest we forget, I have no life, so I have time to find out all this about James W. Marsters. Plus, as an added bonus, I get to John C. Mayer him, again!! Which makes me happy! Cause, John C. Mayer, obviously.

Happy John C. Mayer-ing interwebz!

and, James W. Marsters..... :)

Time to John C. Mayer James W Marsters-AGAIN!!!

Since I work the graveyard shift, I have a lot of time on my hands between midnight, and 4 am. I spend muchos time playing on the interwebz. Aunt Becky is one of my most favorite haunts. This week though, she has outdone herself! After blogging about how the karma of John C. Mayer was destroying her transmission, She set the Pranksters with a way fun task. To John C. Mayer a celebrity, or other, of our choice. It all began innocently enough.

Welcome to the world of being John C. Mayer-ed James W. Marsters! Again.

I began this night with lack of direction, not at all unusual. So, I thought that James W. Marsters and I might play Oregon Trail, the old version, with the horrible graphics. So, I named the wagon master James W Marsters, and every other player James W. Marsters. This, you might think, would make it difficult to keep track of every single James W Marsters, but alas, I really didnt care what happened to which James W Marsters.

James W Marsters did not fare well.

After James W Marsters had to deal with a broken leg, broken arm, James W Marsters ended up with typhoid, dysentery, the measles, cholera,......

Then, James W Marsters got the final blow and died. It was a sad trip for everyone named James W Marsters. I took screen shots of all of the trials that James W Marsters had to go through, They wouldnt transfer over here.. Stupid screenshots of James W Marsters. It was probably the lasting karma of John C Mayer.

Then, I had to find a new way to John C Mayer James W Marsters. Luckily for me, James W Marsters has a Facebook page! I have also learned a few things about James W Marsters. Like, he really can play the guitar.

Also, James W Marsters has an interesting biography, if you really are interested in James W Marsters.

James W Marsters favorite episode on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where James W Marsters played the sexy Spike, ironically, is the same as mine. Where James W Marsters sings. *sigh* James W Marsters could sing to me anytime!

And, for fun, James W Marsters shows up all over Youtube. James W Marsters does interviews, sings, and sings some more!

Also, the last time I looked, I had not made to the first page of google, but if you click on the blogs about James W Marsters, I AM NUMBER 2!! So, yay me!!!

I think I love you James W Marsters!

As I sat down to read Aunt Becky`s latest thoughts about John C. Mayer, over at mommywantsvodka.com, I realized that I have thought about an actor occasionally. I became grateful that James W. Marsters doesnt seem to have the same amount of free time as John C. Mayer. Or at least not yet. As my car seems to be running fine right now, so I know that I have not appeared on John C. Mayers radar. Thank freaking God for me that James W. Marsters seems to be

more preoccupied with interviews and his fantasy of getting himself, James W. Marsters, hitched without me! Honestly, James W. Marsters. What are you thinking! Gah!

I first fell madly totally in love with James W. Marsters when James W. Marsters played Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. James W. Marsters in all of his bleached James W. Marsters glory, *sigh*. James W. Marsters did a fantastic job pretending that he, James W. Marsters, was British. Even though, in fact James W. Marsters was born right here in the good ol` US of A.

I would so throw myself in front of a..... okay, James W. Marsters, I am not willing to throw myself in front of anything for you, James W. Marsters. So get that idea out of your head right now James W. Marsters! I would, however, feed you chocolate in be.... no, wait. Sorry James W. Marsters, the chocolate is mine! Hmm, so James W. Marsters, you are safe for now! SO, leave my car alone, It is old, and has problems all on its own!

I thought about changing my cats name to James W. Marsters, as my dear Aunt Becky suggested, but he still wont answer to James W. Marsters. He is not the one, as I type, watching James W. Marsters right now, but on Buffy season 5. I have to admit to you, James W. Marsters, I have really never bothered to watch you, James W. Marsters, on anything else.

And I have to wonder, James W. Marsters, if you look on Google, to see what pops up (geeze James W. Marsters, you have a dirty mind!) about you! Plus, Aunt Becky`s idea of pranking Google was just too freaking awesome to pass up! So, Google, and James W. Marsters, have a great day!

-My cat, who I tried to name James W. Marsters, but he thought not!

To spay, or to spay (there really isnt a choice)

This last week we had the Tiny Mao spayed. I felt so horribly awful taking her to the vet. She yowled all of the way... It was awful.

When I picked her up, 5 hours later, she was still so doped up, she just bobbed her head from side to side.. not making a noise... barely able to hold her fuzzy head up.. Still, feeling bad.

Got the darling home, and she crawled out of the kitty carrier. Her back legs? not working very well :(. She was so pitiful. She tried to get to Gary, but he went and scouped her, and snuggled her in his lap, after wrapping her up in her blanket. SHe took turns, sleeping on our laps all night. Then slept with us in our bed.

The next morning? It was almost like nothing happened. She seems a bit tender, duh! But is jumping and moving like nothing happened. I am supposed to take her back in 8 more days to get the stitches removed. I think we may attempt that project on our own..

There was no question to have her spayed though. She did come in heat once. It was bad. She spent hours talking to the walls, the ceiling, the kitty condo. She tried to make time with the other kitties, all whom are fixed. They would have none of her tomfoolery. They just swatted her , held her down, and cleaned her head. (that is their solution to any discipline issues regarding Mao) She has a very clean head.

If everyone would take the time, and spend the money (its so worth it) to have their pet spayed or neutered, there would not be such a huge amount of unwanted pets. I would adopt more, if we had the space.

I wish I was that resilient....

ugh.... and ugh some more..

Every Wednesday, on the way to work, I call my Mother. I try to call on Saturdays too, but I dont always get it done.

Tonight, when she answered, she sounded "off". I asked what was wrong, and she told me that someone had just come to her door. Normally, unless Morgan sends missionaries, she doesnt seem upset by that.

Apparently, this guy she knows, Jay, just showed up. Mom informs me that he had called her earlier that day, asking if he could borrow money. She told him she didn`t have any extra to lend. (she always gives out money to everyone that asks) And that he just showed up at her house, and asked if it would be alright if he charged his phone. (?????) Mom tells me he is in his truck, just sitting in the drivers seat.

I get a bit of history about him from her, as this situation is making my skin crawl; He is a young guy. Does odd jobs for people. Hard worker. Has borrowed from her in the past, many times. Has only paid her back once. Lives no where near her-she lives 12 miles form town, so it is not like he was in the neighborhood. Said he is nice. Says "sorry sorry sorry" a lot, she thinks he may have been abused as a kid. He told her he needs the money really bad for gas. And its his birthday, and its going very bad.

He comes back in when I am still on the phone with her. And asks if he can just borrow $20 from her. I hear her tell him that she spent all of her money last night, but that she will roll him $20 in quarters, but thats all..... Then mentions that she is on the phone with her daughter. He got out fast when she said that.

Mom has a heart as big as the outdoors. I have seen her lend money to people, when it left her unable to pay her bills, or do what she wanted to do. She always says they must need it more than she does. She told me not long ago, that she doesnt keep track, because she figures that when someone borrows it, she will never get it back. Ugh.

This Jay person, whomever he is, sounded like one hell of a manipulator to me. When she was telling me that he was just sitting in the drivers seat of his truck, I think he was trying to figure out how to manipulate her, or intimidate her into giving him money....

I think I need to make another trip there.. unannounced, and soon..... I dont like anyone treating my Mom that way.

2 hours to go.....

Yay for the weekend! Not that they dont happen every week, but I am looking forward to this one! The thought of yard work is actually exciting!! I think its mostly the warm weather, the getting outside, when it isnt freezing cold, with 90 mph sub zero winds (i might have blown that a tad out of proportion, maybe). Im looking forward to planting seeds, watching them grow into food-peas, corn, potatoes that Mom made us bring home....., cabbage, cukes... And flowers. They provide me with much happiness, and smell wonderful!

2 hours to go. Then 4 nights off!! Whoo Hoo!!!!

Guilt over not having guilt?

Im not quite certain exactly why I am having this feeling of guilt..... I have given it a lot of thought, and I have come to the conclusion, that it can only be from a lack of guilt over someone I know, dying. Not only that, dying a slow, and painfully drawn out death.

Ok, so, I know him. An understatement if ever there was one. We were married for many more years than I liked. It ended over 8 years ago, when I realized that drinking was the number one thing he cared about. And that would never change, never.

Drinking, by the way, is what is causing his death. He has totally destroyed his liver, one beer at a time. Myself, I believe he still would not put down a beer, if it was offered to him. I remember that he would take several unopened beers to bed, just in case he became thirsty during the night. Or for when he got up in the morning. He drank at least one before getting up for the day. He received more than one DUI while driving a commercial vehicle. It didnt matter to him, if he was ruining his life, and the lives of those around him.

He is in a nursing home now. At 44. His liver is shot, and he is on a morphine drip. There are no extra measures to prolong his life. This was his decision, as well as his families. His sister-in-law tells me his skin in now the color of mango flesh. The Dr`s say they dont understand how he can still be alive. They claim at any time, he will be gone.

So, I have no real feelings about him dying. I feel bad for his family. His Mother, that he doesnt even recognize any longer. She sits with him twice a day. He sleeps almost constantly, from the morphine. And hasnt eaten solid food in weeks. I hope, for his Mom, that it doesnt continue much longer. But, as for myself, I find that I am feeling bad, because I DONT feel bad about the entire thing.

What kind of a person doesnt feel bad, when someone they know is sufferring, and is dying? I feel like I should. I feel like I should be sad, like some part of me should be devastated. Im not. I really dont care, What kind of person does that make me???